Pulling out your penis and masturbating in front of someone who didn’t consent to it is not a moment of weakness, an accident, borne out of confusion over what is and isn’t okay, or difficulty adjusting to ‘the culture’.
It should be perfectly obvious that if someone doesn’t enthusiastically ask you to take out your genitals and start masturbating, you shouldn’t do it.
And yet, there are men who seem to be confused.
In response to multiple allegations against him, Harvey Weinstein said that having come of age in the 60’s and 70’s, he has ‘since learned’ that this is not an excuse for sexual assault.
Louis CK said that ‘now’ he’s aware of the impact of his actions – his actions being masturbating in front of women. He ‘learned later in life’ that asking people he had power over if he could take out his penis is not ‘okay’.
Both of these replies suggest that the idea that a sexual act done without the other person’s consent is wrong is a new one.
It’d be easy to dismiss this as an issue of fame and power. But ask women if they’ve ever been masturbated at or near without their consent, and you may be startled by just how many say yes.
I’ve been masturbated at on a train home, as the man tried to catch my eye when I read a book.
A friend of mine was pushed down in a club as someone attempted to masturbate on to her before, thankfully, her friends pushed him away.
These incidents are deeply uncomfortable. They can feel dangerous. If a man is willing to impose a sexual act on you without your consent, is he also the type of man who will attack you if you say anything? If that man has power over you, what will happen if you speak out?
But if there are some men who don’t understand this – who feel they simply cannot help masturbating in front of people without their consent – clearly we need a guide for not wanking into a plant pot.
This way there’s no excuse. You can’t even attempt getting away with the ‘I didn’t know!’ angle or the ‘this is just what men need to do!’ line.
So, here’s a guide to not whipping out your penis and masturbating in front of people – and why it’s not okay.
If you are suddenly struck with an intense urge to masturbate, go home
Look, it’s possible that you are suddenly intensely, desperately horny.
That might be an issue to bring up with a therapist, but on we go.
In that instance, you do not need to force anyone to bear witness to your need to sexually gratify yourself. It sounds simple, but you really can excuse yourself from your business meeting, party, or friendly chat with another person, and say you need to leave.
Take yourself to a private place. Your home, if you’re close by. A toilet cubicle, if you’re not. Make sure there’s no one around who can see your penis.
Congratulations, you have masturbated without causing anyone distress.
If you are with a woman and think that she desperately wants to see you masturbate, ask her if that’s the case
In an ideal world, you’d be able to read the signals.
For example, if a woman has been kissing your neck and putting her hands down your underwear, it’s possible that she may want to see your penis (although it’s still wise to ask).
If a woman has come to meet you to talk about her career, it is very unlikely she wants to see your penis.
But hey, sometimes these lines get muddled. Woman are so confusing, right? So just to be absolutely sure, ask the person if they would like to see you masturbate.
If they give you an enthusiastic yes, hooray, you go right ahead. If they say no, or look uncomfortable, or say yes and then don’t seem that keen, or try to leave, do not take out your penis. Leave that member in its cosy trouser prison.
Remember that power and responsibility has a massive impact on consent
If someone feels threatened – whether that’s physically or in terms of the impact another person could have on their success or reputation – their consent isn’t legitimate.
If someone is saying yes not because they actually want to see your penis, but because they’re worried about what will happen if they say no, it is not okay to show them your penis.
Ask yourself some questions before you ask someone if they would like to watch you masturbate.
More: Sex
Are you more powerful than them?
Could your question be seen as a threat or a bribe?
Do you have the power to affect their career, their reputation, or their life in any way?
Are you physically intimidating?
Does the person feel unable to say no without fear of repercussion?
If you answer ‘yes’ to any of these questions – any of them – do not take your penis out. Do not even ask if you can.
Understand that yes, masturbating in front of someone without their consent is sexual assault
It is legally sexual assault, as one person intentionally causes another person to engage in a sexual activity (in this case, watching the first person masturbate) without their consent.
There are some people who believe they can justify this kind of behaviour by saying it’s ‘not rape’ or ‘I didn’t touch her’. Sexual assault has a wider definition that includes masturbating in front of someone without them saying they’re keen for that to happen. Be mindful of that.
Wear clothes when you meet people
If you’re still really struggling not to take your penis out in front of people who would rather you didn’t take your penis out, provide some barrier between your penis and the outside world.
When you’re not alone, wear underwear and trousers. Do not meet people while wearing a towel, or just a robe.
This will mean that as you reach down to take out your penis, you’ll need to unzip or unbutton at least one thing, which will give you enough time to go back over the previous points we’ve mentioned and realise that actually, this isn’t really a good idea.
Realise that your penis isn’t a magical, glorious thing
All genitals are wonderful in the right context – in consensual, sexual situations.
But outside of this context, it’s safe to assume that people do not want to see your penis. It’s not that great. It’s not cute like a puppy or beautiful like a sunset, and even if it were, it’s not okay to pressure someone into looking at it.
Puppies are wonderful, but you wouldn’t shove one into someone’s face if they’d said no. That would be distressing.
If it’s distressing with a puppy, it would absolutely be distressing with your penis, which is nowhere near as cute as a puppy.
Understand that a desire to masturbate in front of people without their consent is a serious issue
It’s perfectly normal to want to masturbate. That’s all about self-exploration and ownership of sexual pleasure. It’s great.
It’s also normal to enjoy masturbating in front of a sexual partner. That can be quite the turn on.
Getting turned on my masturbating in front of someone who does not want you to masturbate in front of them, however, means you’re getting off on someone else’s discomfort. You are using masturbation as a weapon. That is not okay.
More: Sex
If you find yourself obsessed with this particular sexual act – masturbating without another person’s consent – it’s important to talk to a therapist and get some help. Sexual desires are great as long as they’re not causing harm to yourself or others.
Getting off on the thrill of doing something someone else does not want you to do is abusive, horrific behaviour, and that’s something you need to know from the first moment you experience these urges. Get help.
Don’t make other people suffer because of your sexual desires.
The majority of people do not struggle to control themselves. Most people do not feel a desperate need to masturbate in front of others without their consent. This is basic stuff. It’s not difficult.
Keep your penis to yourself and don’t do anything sexual without the other person’s enthusiastic consent. It’s that simple.
MORE: It’s ok if you’re a bit tired of hearing about the Harvey Weinstein stuff now
MORE: Star Trek’s George Takei accused of sexual assault by model
Pulling out your penis and masturbating in front of someone who didn’t consent to it is not a moment of weakness, an accident, borne out of confusion over what is and isn’t okay, or difficulty adjusting to ‘the culture’.
It should be perfectly obvious that if someone doesn’t enthusiastically ask you to take out your genitals and start masturbating, you shouldn’t do it.
And yet, there are men who seem to be confused.
In response to multiple allegations against him, Harvey Weinstein said that having come of age in the 60’s and 70’s, he has ‘since learned’ that this is not an excuse for sexual assault.
Louis CK said that ‘now’ he’s aware of the impact of his actions – his actions being masturbating in front of women. He ‘learned later in life’ that asking people he had power over if he could take out his penis is not ‘okay’.
Both of these replies suggest that the idea that a sexual act done without the other person’s consent is wrong is a new one.
It’d be easy to dismiss this as an issue of fame and power. But ask women if they’ve ever been masturbated at or near without their consent, and you may be startled by just how many say yes.
I’ve been masturbated at on a train home, as the man tried to catch my eye when I read a book.
A friend of mine was pushed down in a club as someone attempted to masturbate on to her before, thankfully, her friends pushed him away.
These incidents are deeply uncomfortable. They can feel dangerous. If a man is willing to impose a sexual act on you without your consent, is he also the type of man who will attack you if you say anything? If that man has power over you, what will happen if you speak out?
But if there are some men who don’t understand this – who feel they simply cannot help masturbating in front of people without their consent – clearly we need a guide for not wanking into a plant pot.
This way there’s no excuse. You can’t even attempt getting away with the ‘I didn’t know!’ angle or the ‘this is just what men need to do!’ line.
So, here’s a guide to not whipping out your penis and masturbating in front of people – and why it’s not okay.
If you are suddenly struck with an intense urge to masturbate, go home
Look, it’s possible that you are suddenly intensely, desperately horny.
That might be an issue to bring up with a therapist, but on we go.
In that instance, you do not need to force anyone to bear witness to your need to sexually gratify yourself. It sounds simple, but you really can excuse yourself from your business meeting, party, or friendly chat with another person, and say you need to leave.
Take yourself to a private place. Your home, if you’re close by. A toilet cubicle, if you’re not. Make sure there’s no one around who can see your penis.
Congratulations, you have masturbated without causing anyone distress.
If you are with a woman and think that she desperately wants to see you masturbate, ask her if that’s the case
In an ideal world, you’d be able to read the signals.
For example, if a woman has been kissing your neck and putting her hands down your underwear, it’s possible that she may want to see your penis (although it’s still wise to ask).
If a woman has come to meet you to talk about her career, it is very unlikely she wants to see your penis.
But hey, sometimes these lines get muddled. Woman are so confusing, right? So just to be absolutely sure, ask the person if they would like to see you masturbate.
If they give you an enthusiastic yes, hooray, you go right ahead. If they say no, or look uncomfortable, or say yes and then don’t seem that keen, or try to leave, do not take out your penis. Leave that member in its cosy trouser prison.
Remember that power and responsibility has a massive impact on consent
If someone feels threatened – whether that’s physically or in terms of the impact another person could have on their success or reputation – their consent isn’t legitimate.
If someone is saying yes not because they actually want to see your penis, but because they’re worried about what will happen if they say no, it is not okay to show them your penis.
Ask yourself some questions before you ask someone if they would like to watch you masturbate.
More: Sex
Are you more powerful than them?
Could your question be seen as a threat or a bribe?
Do you have the power to affect their career, their reputation, or their life in any way?
Are you physically intimidating?
Does the person feel unable to say no without fear of repercussion?
If you answer ‘yes’ to any of these questions – any of them – do not take your penis out. Do not even ask if you can.
Understand that yes, masturbating in front of someone without their consent is sexual assault
It is legally sexual assault, as one person intentionally causes another person to engage in a sexual activity (in this case, watching the first person masturbate) without their consent.
There are some people who believe they can justify this kind of behaviour by saying it’s ‘not rape’ or ‘I didn’t touch her’. Sexual assault has a wider definition that includes masturbating in front of someone without them saying they’re keen for that to happen. Be mindful of that.
Wear clothes when you meet people
If you’re still really struggling not to take your penis out in front of people who would rather you didn’t take your penis out, provide some barrier between your penis and the outside world.
When you’re not alone, wear underwear and trousers. Do not meet people while wearing a towel, or just a robe.
This will mean that as you reach down to take out your penis, you’ll need to unzip or unbutton at least one thing, which will give you enough time to go back over the previous points we’ve mentioned and realise that actually, this isn’t really a good idea.
Realise that your penis isn’t a magical, glorious thing
All genitals are wonderful in the right context – in consensual, sexual situations.
But outside of this context, it’s safe to assume that people do not want to see your penis. It’s not that great. It’s not cute like a puppy or beautiful like a sunset, and even if it were, it’s not okay to pressure someone into looking at it.
Puppies are wonderful, but you wouldn’t shove one into someone’s face if they’d said no. That would be distressing.
If it’s distressing with a puppy, it would absolutely be distressing with your penis, which is nowhere near as cute as a puppy.
Understand that a desire to masturbate in front of people without their consent is a serious issue
It’s perfectly normal to want to masturbate. That’s all about self-exploration and ownership of sexual pleasure. It’s great.
It’s also normal to enjoy masturbating in front of a sexual partner. That can be quite the turn on.
Getting turned on my masturbating in front of someone who does not want you to masturbate in front of them, however, means you’re getting off on someone else’s discomfort. You are using masturbation as a weapon. That is not okay.
More: Sex
If you find yourself obsessed with this particular sexual act – masturbating without another person’s consent – it’s important to talk to a therapist and get some help. Sexual desires are great as long as they’re not causing harm to yourself or others.
Getting off on the thrill of doing something someone else does not want you to do is abusive, horrific behaviour, and that’s something you need to know from the first moment you experience these urges. Get help.
Don’t make other people suffer because of your sexual desires.
The majority of people do not struggle to control themselves. Most people do not feel a desperate need to masturbate in front of others without their consent. This is basic stuff. It’s not difficult.
Keep your penis to yourself and don’t do anything sexual without the other person’s enthusiastic consent. It’s that simple.
MORE: It’s ok if you’re a bit tired of hearing about the Harvey Weinstein stuff now
MORE: Star Trek’s George Takei accused of sexual assault by model
