When we think of role-playing in the bedroom, we automatically jump to Carry On-style sexy nurses, dirty doctors, or naughty teachers.
There’s so much more to explore though, and you really don’t have to feel embarrassed about it.
BDSM for beginners – a former dominatrix guides you and your partner through S&M
For a day, a night or just an hour, you can be whoever you want to be.
You can suspend your disbelief and explore a sexual side of you that maybe you’ve just been a little too shy to show to your partner.
Maybe there’s something you’re a little curious about and you want to try it?Or perhaps it’s the lure of the uniform – the costume is calling to you.
The other thing is it allows you – in a safe, sane and consensual way – to cross lines and push limits.
But maybe that’s for a more intermediary session.
In the meantime, let’s start with the basics.
Costume helps, but it isn’t everything
When I started sex work, I had no desire to squeeze myself into a uniform of any kind – that’s precisely why I started sex work in the first place.
As I got more requests and began to discover online fantasy uniform retailers, I thought I’d give it a go.
It turns out, the costume really helped me get into ‘character’.
I loved the feel of a short skirt and a tight blouse.
I felt powerful in high heels and a white jacket.
I even enjoyed watching men getting turned on when I brought out the clipboard.
You don’t need to go too wild; a lot of role-play fantasy clothing can look a bit naff, especially as a lot of it seems to be made with cheap PVC.
Feel free to fashion your own out of what you already have.
After all, it’s definitely the (dirty) thought that counts.
It doesn’t need to be expensive
You don’t need PVC costumes, elaborate sets, handmade props or Game Of Thrones dungeons.
I never ventured out of the bedroom for role-play scenarios.
Instead, it can all be done with just a healthy bit of imagination.
Say yes
It can be quite daunting to take part in a role-play.
I’m a gal who likes a script, a clear definition of characters and has a firm grip on my motivation.
But the trick is to just see where it goes and stop when it’s getting into uncomfortable territory.
This is where I use the first rule of improv, the ‘Yes, and…?’ rule.
In improv, it’s a way to keep a scene going and to not shoot someone down; in sex, it’s a way to see where you really want to take this, and even discover new delights.
Obviously, we’re using ‘yes’ to a consensual point; don’t say yes to everything if you’re not comfortable with it.
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Suspend your disbelief
Yes, it’s another theatrical term, but it really does help if you see yourselves as characters in a situation rather than sticky real-life stuff.
Work out safe words – code words that will end the session immediately – beforehand and get an idea of where you want to go.
Then play.
One of my most annoying clients was someone who couldn’t understand that I genuinely didn’t have a cellar, and I wasn’t going to keep him forever to be a sex slave.
I lived in London for a start. Who can afford a cellar these days?
I was just trying to give the scene more of a dominant atmosphere, but it fell on tragically literal ears.
However, you should also know that sometimes what’s said in the role-play doesn’t need to cross over into real life.
While one might say ‘I want to lick your toes forever’, that’s clearly not practical.
Basically, use your common sense and know when it’s over.
Risque scenarios aren’t perverted
As I said, we all leap to naughty nurses and dirty doctors, but some people like to push role-play scenarios into age-play, blackmail, and cross-dressing.
None of these mean anyone is doing anything irrational.
Playing with age and gender can be seen as more of a curiosity and is another way people can relinquish their responsibilities and feel more of a submissive.
Your boyfriend isn’t automatically gay or transgender just because he wants to wear panties sometimes.
You’re perfectly fine to play a younger or older version of yourself with someone who consents.
This is all about having fun and finding a way to release your inhibitions.
Talk to your partner, or you can find groups on places like FetLife where you can find other people who will be happy to play with you.
Again, use common sense when finding someone online.
I’m going to trust that you know the more risque situations should be done with someone you trust implicitly.
There’s far too much stigma around role-plays and, while we may leap to the conclusion it’s all Carry On-style doctors and nurses, we should also be willing to use it as a way to push boundaries and find fun, new and exciting fetishes we can get excited about.
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